Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

ㅤ

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”