[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Icarus loved hot wings.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.