Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

getting corrected

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes