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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Happy thanksgiving
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
never stops being funny
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
new year update: losing everything but weight
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many