Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone