Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine