Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
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When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?