Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]