Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Just how popey was the pope today?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down