Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.