Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this