Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.