Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

this is the greatest thing ever

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

This meal prepping shit easy