Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet