Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Milk Cube

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.