Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My kitchen overserved me.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?