Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
brian had himself a morning…
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled