Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

ㅤ

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.