Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.