Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
You Might Also Like
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭