narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?