Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

😭😭

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport