[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
set yourself free xox
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed