Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
