Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*