Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*