Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.