Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Stop blaming yourself for everything. Learn Feng Shui and blame the fucking furniture

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here