Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
🌱🌱🌱
my proudest tweet
