Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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This is not me but this is me
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future