Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”