*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
You Might Also Like
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.