*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Seems legit.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
