*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”