NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan