@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

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@noellebean

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

@Thedudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@PJTLynch

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

@NapVeg

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@TheRealNickKay

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@TheDragoEffect

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

@QueenofSparta

You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.