NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.


My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.


Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.


Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter


the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills


They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon


WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday


Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.


REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.


You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.