NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“You had all of thanksgiving to do your homework…”
[getting cuffed and arrested]
me: but officer it was medicinal
cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide
This fall on Fox:
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up