Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard