Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Just organising my finances.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Let’s Go

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.