Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Noah

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

Ferrari squats

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.