Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

but that was my emotional support daylight

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

just arby’s bein’ a bro

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school