Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

They’re stuck in your pants?

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?