Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

black phone good

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes