Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

*bites zombie*

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff