NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind