NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest