NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”