NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
hackers play passwordle
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.