NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
favorite tropes as memes
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me to God
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me