Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

My whole life was a lie.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.