Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Dear Lord..

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.