Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

never forget

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great