Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”