Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Cold.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.