Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

Mad Max: Furry Road

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.