Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”