Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Not😆🤣
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
You learn something every day
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.