Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Good morning

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip