Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

when nothing goes right… go left

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶