Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I created you as mosquito food.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.