NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.