Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.