NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]