Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

when dads have a rap battle

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK