Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.