Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns