Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird