Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fixed it. For me

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I basically called this earlier today

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?