Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Saint West, the patron of selfies