Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt