@ShutUpThatsWho

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

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@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

@skankymunter

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@wendchymes

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

@RobbyActually

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.