[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
welp
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I love the honesty
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.