NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?