NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
It鈥檚 ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Who did it better?
If we鈥檙e not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don鈥檛 like their answer.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won鈥檛 be doing any of that anymore.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What鈥檚 HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 馃檪
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
