Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?