NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
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one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.