Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

still the best tweet of the year by far

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.