Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

That’s easy for you to say

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.