nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
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95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.