Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

😉

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.