Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Teach your children to beatbox

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

is this a threat

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.