Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

not for long

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*