nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election